SHiFT – Recovery by Acorn

With her heart pounding, she took a deep breath to steady her nerves. This was something new for her. She had always gone along with whatever others wanted. Voice trembling, she said the word that she was sure would end the friendship, “No,” then held her breath waiting for the fallout. When her companion simply accepted the answer and moved on, she later spent hours running the conversation through her mind, berating herself for not being more agreeable.

Can you relate to this? Many who are food dependent feel intense guilt when saying no and don’t realize as with most recovery behaviors, it’s a skill that takes practice. One of the most important things to remember is that refusing to do something that is dangerous to your recovery is nonnegotiable. In other words, those in recovery must find a way to develop this skill.

Eating food that’s not on our food plans to please other people is not what recovery is about. Being able to say no to food we don’t eat, to attending events that are dangerous to our recoveries, to being with people who trigger self-destructive behaviors, and to opportunities that will interfere with our recovery schedule are crucial to long-term recovery.

In short, it simply is not possible to stay in recovery from food dependency without, at one time or another, saying no. That being so, there are a few things we can do to make it easier until we develop this skill.

To begin, understand that if you’ve never said no before, it will take time for you to feel comfortable doing that. Don’t expect yourself to be a pro the first or even second or third time you say no. Simply accept that you may feel awkward, uncomfortable, scared, or even fragile when you first begin saying no. It’s okay. A good way to manage these feelings is to make a plan to do something recovery related after you’ve said no. Perhaps you can attend a Twelve-Step meeting, call your sponsor, or schedule an appointment with your counselor.

Next, realize that it’s not the other person’s job to make you feel better about saying no. Sometimes we look to others to make us feel better or for approval to do the things we need to for our recoveries. While this is understandable, it really isn’t logical. It’s not anyone else’s job to make you feel better about yourself or your actions. That’s your job.

Finally, acknowledge that you’re doing a great job!  Even if you are filled with guilt and want to crawl into a corner alone, recognize that you’ve taken a good first step in practicing to say no and that each time you do it, it will get easier.

With the upcoming holiday, I’ve been thinking a lot about how things seem to work out in ways that I could never have predicted. For the past five years, I’ve spent Canadian Thanksgiving in Florida leading an Acorn Intensive.

Of course, I enjoyed being part of helping those with food dependency to change their lives and was also happy to spend time in a warmer climate. Being in Florida meant that I was unable to spend Thanksgiving with my family. As we were putting together this year’s program schedule in January, I never imagined that this holiday would be any different….

However…..

A global pandemic had other ideas and changed the way we now offer our programs, at least for the foreseeable future, and here I am at home for Thanksgiving, something I never imagined would happen. It’s been this way throughout my recovery.

Seven years ago, I didn’t even know it was possible to be dependent on food and now I am Program Director at SHiFT and helping others to recover. Even more, I wasn’t aware of the concept of food dependency, and I was so deep into my disease that I couldn’t even help myself.

How things have changed!

Today, as we begin another Acorn Intensive virtually with me at home, I am not only grateful to be part of the amazing process of helping others to recover, I am thankful to be here for the holiday.

I am very much looking forward to spending time with my family and especially my niece Georgia. I am once again humbled by how trusting the process works to bring us unexpected joys in our lives.

Wishing you an abstinent Thanksgiving!

It’s Obsession-Free October!  As we get ready for the holiday season, it’s important for us to keep doing things that keep our lives obsession free. During times of celebration, it’s easy for those who are food dependent to romanticize food they no longer eat.

We are raised in a world that encourages us to celebrate holidays by baking sugar-filled items with our family members. We are told that bringing homemade treats to holiday celebrations is a sign of love and caring. Even more, we are shown images of happy families gathered around tables filled with food.

DON’T FALL FOR THIS!!

Food cannot, will not, and has absolutely never provided true love and happiness. This is an illusion created by those who are working hard to keep us addicted to sugar- and flour-filled foods to make obscenely large profits.

When you find yourself starting to fall into this trap, think about your last binge. How much love was involved in that? Remember how awful you felt the next day after having filled your body with sugar-filled foods. Think about how difficult it was to move around in your body.

Are these the experiences you want to bring into your life?

While normal eaters may be able to overeat on holidays, it doesn’t work like that for those who are food dependent. How many other times have you tried to have just one? How did that work for you? Were you able to stop?

Of course, you couldn’t stop. It doesn’t work that way for those who are food dependent. Read that again: IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY FOR THOSE WHO ARE FOOD DEPENDENT.

The bottom line for Obsession-Free October, is that it’s important to keep doing those things that keep our lives free of food obsession. These include, staying connected to others who are also food dependent, asking for and finding the help you need to stay in recovery, and continuing to follow your food plan exactly as outlined.

Please join me this month in re-committing to living an obsession-free life!

You never know when or how they’ll show up. It may be right at the beginning, in the middle or at the end. That’s what makes them so special. I’m talking about unexpected gifts.

I was reminded these past few weeks about how unexpected gifts can come from places that I normally wouldn’t think of. As we were waiting for our new cookbook, abstinence, to come back from the printer’s, I began to think about all of the gifts that came out of this project.

Not only was I able to re-connect with many of our alumni who very generously contributed recipes, but I was also reminded on an even deeper level of the commitment it takes to get and stay in recovery from food dependency.

Of course, having led many and with us beginning another Acorn Intensive this week, I regularly see the miraculous transformations of those who learn about and begin to follow a food plan free of addictive substances.

Working on the cookbook was different in some ways. Reviewing the recipes and remembering how absolutely devastated some of our alumni were when they came into our Acorn Intensive program, showed me exactly how much determination, commitment and perseverance those who are food dependent have.

Those who are not yet in recovery use determination and perseverance to continue bingeing while those in recovery use those very same character traits to find creative ways to keep their abstinent meals tasty in order to maintain long-term recovery.

Remember, it’s okay to enjoy your abstinent food!  Sometimes, enjoying your food can make the difference between continuing on in recovery or relapsing.

Once again, I want to thank everyone who helped to make our cookbook a reality. I am grateful for each and every one of you. And, I am just as grateful for the unexpected gifts that came out of this project.

If you’d like to purchase a cookbook, please click here.  A portion of the proceeds will go to our SHiFT Scholarship Fund to help those who cannot afford treatment for food dependency.

One bite won’t hurt you. 

You have to eat cake on your birthday. 

I worked so hard to cook this meal for you.

We’ve all been through it and it’s not fun. Sometimes people get upset and it’s never easy but saying no to food that you don’t eat is absolutely necessary. Remember, your recovery is about you and not about pleasing other people.

While it may seem so easy to simply go along with the crowd, or sometimes your mother or grandmother who talk about spending so much time preparing your favorite food, there’s so much more to this decision than just the time it took for someone to cook.

To begin, think about the time and effort it took for you to get into recovery. Is giving that up really worth the few minutes of pleasure someone else will get from seeing you eat the food they prepared?

Now, add to this the idea that it’s not your job, nor do you have the power, to make anyone else truly happy or, on the flip side, unhappy, and you can see that trying to please someone else by eating addictive foods is dangerous, even life-threatening to your recovery.

Long after the temporary or shallow pleasure others may have is over, you will be left with the long-lasting and possibly deadly consequences of having binged. And, trust me, though you many not binge immediately after eating addictive foods, eventually that will happen. It’s not a reflection of your strength. It’s simply a fact of food dependency. Eating a food that triggers a physiological response in our bodies, causes us to want more and more of that food.

So, even though it’s not fun at the moment, saying no to food you don’t eat anymore will make the difference between food freedom and food obsession.  As always, the choice is yours.