I just returned home from a long weekend at the Eastern Shore and am reflecting on my experience there. Moving from the fear around the hustle and bustle of shore life with all of its sights, sounds, and smells to the calm in my soul when watching wild ponies stampede across marshland. I have no idea what spooked them into running so fast from their leisurely wanderings in the marsh. But something scared them into running into the woods at a pace I could not keep up with even with my camera lens. What spooked these majestic horses? I don’t know. What caused them to seek shelter in the woodlands? I don’t know.
What I do know is what spooked me during this weekend. When I first arrived, I wanted to be a shore member. I wanted to be like the locals, I wanted to fit in. I wanted to eat a boat load of shell fish, grandma’s homemade donuts, and of course try every flavor at the Island Creamery. I wanted to be a normal eater. I thought “just this once won’t hurt me, I’m on vacation after all.” That began the litany of foods from my past that I would NEED to eat to prove to myself and others that I was a normal eater. I would need them to taste marvelous so that I fit in.
This was my first true vacation since coming into recovery with SHiFT and entire abstinence. I was not on a trip to visit extended family, or sitting by myself secluded in a cabin in the woods, I was in a shore town full of life and food. I wanted to be relaxed, calm, and care free. I was on vacation, after all. Vacation in the past for me involved thinking about and obtaining food almost constantly. Vacation was spontaneous, eat all you want, try all the local foods, a blend in kind of vibe. Vacation was away from any food plan or diet. It was “care free” and fun.
This vacation was different, though. While it began with the pull towards an abundance of local foods, it also involved moving into nature with a quiet whisper of wind on my face and the calm in my heart I so longed for on vacation. I reached out to my sponsor and fellows who directed me towards my Higher Power for strength. I left the clamors and pulls of shore-life food and spent the days watching a sunset, walking on the beach, and spending my last day at a wildlife refuge walking slowly and deliberately with my husband. Holding hands in silent reflection, pondering God’s creation and the true care-free peace in my heart and soul “tasted” marvelous. I sat and watched the wild ponies, not a care in the world for them or for me. I stayed there for over an hour and a half watching these creatures wander in the marsh, until they were gone, running wildly across the watery grasses to the shelter of the woodland. I too basked in the delight of my abstinence and ultimately sought refuge in my God.
As the ponies left, I was grateful for my abstinence on this vacation and the ability to truly show up and be present to my husband, to God, and to my beautiful surroundings. I was truly care-free and at peace. My soul was at rest with a God of my understanding. I did not just survived a vacation, I thrived on a vacation that became focused on what was true and beautiful. I didn’t need the foods of the shore, I needed peace in my heart. I needed a place I could finally be me, a soul at rest.
Lisa K