My husband sent me this picture during a recent work trip abroad with the caption, “Isn’t this funny? I thought of you.” At first, I thought maybe “fat” was a way of saying “really cool” in the country in which he was traveling. Then I thought, “isn’t it nice he is thinking of me?” While I was thrilled he was thinking of me while traveling, it very quickly brought up some deep shame about my food addiction and the drive thru life I have led for most of my life. Those yellow McDonald’s arches represent the epidemy of the fast-food industry for me. They represent the quick, easy, poor quality, instant gratification I had come to know and love throughout my life. They drew me in to the drive thru line many times as a child and teenager only to become a daily occurrence in the last decade of my binging. In fact, by the end of my drive thru life, McDonald’s was the main sustenance I ingested not just daily but multiple times per day. I had a breakfast, mid-morning snack, lunch, afternoon pick-me-up, dinner, and I-have-to-stay-awake nighttime order at the ready. I would only pick up food through the drive thru or have it delivered so that no one would really see how much I was eating at one time or what my binges really looked like.
I was stopping on the way to work, between work locations, on the way home from work, to OA meetings, on the way home from OA meetings, I even left OA meetings half way through in order to get food to settle my unpleasant feelings during those meetings. I was showing up to OA meetings, but I was very quiet, never really speaking, not participating, not doing service, only sitting and listening to how uncomfortable I felt. I didn’t take in what others were saying and rarely would apply it to my own life. I would listen to the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book being read and thought, “wow, those alcoholics are really bad off, I’m glad I’m not one of them.” All the while I was binging at a rate that was out-of-control, not being able to stop once I started and not being able to stop myself from starting. I wanted instant gratification, I wanted an easy life with quick fixes, I wanted everything handed to me without a care for the quality of what it was or how it got to me, I wanted to hide myself and my food consumption. I kept looking for the magic pill, supplement, acupuncturist, or doctor who would solve all my problems in life with one easy solution. I was living a quick, easy, secretive drive thru life, not truly participating in it fully, expecting no real solution.
I was driving through life never really stopping to assess where my life was or where it was going, I was just speeding down the highway of life towards an early death at the ripe old age of 53, when I shoved the last Big Mac into my mouth and God showed me SHiFT Recovery by Acorn. This was the shift I truly needed. At first, I expected it to be the same quick, easy, poor quality “food” I had become accustomed to in my life. But I was very wrong about every aspect of that expectation. Working and more importantly, living, recovery through Shift was far from quick or easy. It was the high-quality sustenance my body, heart, and soul needed. Shift presented me with a program for living that challenged me and shook me to the core. I could no longer hide in a room full of people. I remember the first few days of my virtual intensive when I was sitting as far away from the computer screen as possible with as little of me showing as possible. I was challenged to stop hiding and actually show up and be present to the group. I was also required by Shift staff to participate in the Shift Strong Call zoom meetings by being on camera and speaking at every meeting, introducing myself and sharing my feelings along with an issue that was current in my life. I could no longer live a secretive drive thru life, I had to be present to myself and others. I not only had to share myself with others in recovery, I had to listen to others and follow their lead.
I am continuing to learn how to slow down and stop speeding through life only pausing long enough to drive thru a fast-food joint for my quick, easy, secretive fix. I am learning that there is no quick and easy fix, there is only slow and methodical methods for living a life full of happiness and true sustenance. I am learning to pause, feel into my heart for my deeper fears and longings, and to surrender them all to God. I am learning to stop and savor a life worth living in recovery, one small miracle at a time.
– Lisa K