A tug-of-war with the past is my current state. I have held on to the messages of the past, fostering them, fueling them for decades. It is time to let them go. So easy to say and yet so hard to do.
In a recent therapy experience I was given a rope to hold on one side and members of my past role-played on the other side. The members of my past taunted me with messages of high expectations for perfection, pressure to take responsibility beyond my capacity, my inadequacies, fear of others’ poor perceptions of me, and the list goes on. They tugged on the rope trying to bring me closer to them and keep me ensnared in their grip. I tugged back holding onto the lifeline to them and their messages. I began believing them, trying to pull them closer to me all the while they tugged trying to pull me closer to them. Who would win in this battle of wills? Who would be the victor over my thoughts, feelings, body, and soul? Would their messages that I have held onto for decades continue to ring true in me? It seemed they would, until the counselor gently whispered in my ear, “what do you want to say back?”
I gradually began to say things like, “you’re wrong,” “stop taunting me,” “let me be.” They only screamed louder and pulled harder on the rope. It seemed useless and futile to gently ask them to stop, so I screamed louder back at them. Until the thoughts came to me that I could just drop the rope and send them flailing backwards. Could I really do this? What would happen to them? Would they get hurt? The tug-of-war raged in my head around the ideas that I could really let them go all while they screamed at me to maintain my “perfection” and “hyper-responsibility” and I screamed back “stop it!” I finally was too physically tired and weak to keep pulling at that rope, to keep tugging them closer and closer to me. I squealed “I’m done!” and let the rope go, sending my opponents from the past falling backwards to the ground.
I sank to the ground in tears, was it really that easy? All I needed to do was let the members and the messages of the past go? I didn’t need to carry them around with me or hold them close to my head and heart? Hmmm. What do I fill my head with now? What do I feel in my heart now? The counselor pulled me up off the ground and sat me in a chair next to her. She stroked my hair and wiped tears from my face telling me, “You don’t have to carry them with you anymore. You are free to be you. You are free to be who God created you to be.” I continued to sob as I let go of past expectations and saw myself as a daughter of The King.
I actually won the tug-of-war with my past. I let go of the past and the power it had over me. My tears stopped and I stood up tall and free that evening, without a care in the world that I needed to fix. There are many areas of my life that I am called by God to let go. I want to live happy, joyous, and free today without the taunting messages of the past haunting me. I truly forgave the members of my past for the messages they gave me both explicitly and implicitly. They no longer rule my mind, heart, or soul. I am free!
Lisa K